Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.