Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman