Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
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*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
こいつ天才
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
North and South
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.