Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
🤯🤯🤯
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.