Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
went fishing caught a bass
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Sunday
