Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.