Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.