Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”