was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
The asteroid..
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid