was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
lmfao
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother