Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

so weird how every mom was born today

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.