Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.