Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”