Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.