Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Not today
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
i can’t wait that long
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Terribly Tuesday.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.