Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Hank is one in a melon.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
become ungovernable
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?