Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
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Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
thank god the sign was there
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”