Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.