Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
motivation
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.