Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.