WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
another case of gang violins
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called