Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Every BBC series about the universe.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Meme Monday.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

<- sleeps well with others

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.