WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
You Might Also Like
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Are you ok, human???
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.