Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.