Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
starting a garage orchestra
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
🤣😈🤣
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In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot