Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please