‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*