‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
They got Raph!
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Name this drama.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack