Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart