Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

My Sentiments Exactly

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

😂😂

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

want me to check your oil?

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.