Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.