Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”