Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

I cannot stop laughing at this

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …