Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

Me too door. Me too.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda