Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training