Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
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In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Do not go gentle into that good night,
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
School be like
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no