Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.