Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*