Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Hang in there buddy

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s