Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.