Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
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Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented