was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
goldfish mafia
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My favorite farside!!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
