@AlexEllisdon

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

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@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@elizaskinner

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

@ArfMeasures

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

@PaperWash

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

@NolaChef504

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

@DirtMcTurd

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

@audipenny

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

@KentWGraham

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

@Jade_VK

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.