Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”


[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace


Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.


If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?


Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home

I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger


ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*


Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.


The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.