WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
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Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?
Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home
I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.