Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
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My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
relationship goals
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Free him
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.