Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down