Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me too 😆
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”