Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
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In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
This probably isn’t good
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”