Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Sorry not sorry.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.