Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

The little toadstool has spoken.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”