Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”