Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same