[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns
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Relationship Status: changing locks
People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My diet is similar to a 9 year old who just found $20.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”