[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.