@4owe5i

was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns

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@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

@Parkerlawyer

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

@Contwixt

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

@Scarlet_Rose67

My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@fillthevacuum

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

@UncleDuke1969

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.