@4owe5i

was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

@nicky_prada

People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@Dawn_M_

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

@dmc1138

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

@stardazingxo

mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again

@SardonicTart

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”