Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE