Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.