Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case