Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.