“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
You Might Also Like
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Wolves should really raise more people.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
In banana years, I am bread.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
he’s doing your taxes
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that