“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
You Might Also Like
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
When you put it that way… 😂
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez