“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!