“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
found my next D&D character name
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.