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I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
wow
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.