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*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.