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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building