Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
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The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs