Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
do what now??
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
🍞🦆
*offers Batman cough drops*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Baller is short for ballerina