Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
You Might Also Like
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
what’s really going on
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.