Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

And then there were 4