*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
#growingpains
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave