*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
You Might Also Like
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.