Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

i guess his teacher was really pissed

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.