Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day