Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Banderslack Clamberdorch

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent