*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.